I’ve been a bad blogger.
Even more, I’ve been a bad “Modern Proverbs 31 Woman.”
Since my last post in May, I’ve had major surgery and recovery, a business certification course, two little girl birthday extravaganzas, packing up our house, a major move, hotel stay for a month with those little girls, and then staying with my parents for a month while we got settled again. Basically, I went into survival mode, and while we all did survive the whole process, it was through the skin of our teeth.
I am not proud of how I handled survival mode. Which is NOT WELL. Everything began with great ideas and hopes, and degraded into a huge mess. At some point, my sanity was even called into question.
However, even though these dark hours, I have come to learn something very profound:
Spending time with God daily is essential to my being. Like air.
The psalmist talks of longing for God like a deer pants for water. But in the past few months, I’ve come to realize that if I don’t breathe in the Word of God on a daily, hourly, minute, second-by-second basis, even the most basic things break down and I can’t function.
How that all played out for me, is that I actually literally stopped being able to function. By the time I arrived at my parents home in September, I was at physical all-time high crisis point. I went to a chiropractor, who showed me the scans of my spine, and how all of the stress trauma had just turned me into a pile of walking pain. You know when you’re doctor looks at you and says, “Oh my goodness, darlin’, what have you done to yourself?” it’s not a good thing. (I’m living in the deep South now, so you’ve got to read that with the accent to get the full effect.)
I’ve started to take good care of myself once again. I’m feeling so much better physically and hardly ever need any pain medication. My temperament with my children has vastly improved: being in so much pain really cuts your patience level in half. I think my husband is even impressed with the difference in me because he is now going to the chiropractor and starting to take better care of his health. I bought new sneakers, and am starting to walk each morning again, trying to lose that weight that has stubbornly crept back up.
And as my physically body has improved, I have become how aware my spiritual self is starving. Yes, I honestly feel like I’m starving for the Word of God. I am longing for His Word, like manna to come down each morning. And being away from this experience in His Word and His Presence and relating it on this blog each day left me feeling cut off.
Since we arrived, we have looked for the “perfect” church home and nothing locally has really fulfilled every check box on our list of needs. And I think for me, I’ve had to come to the realization that part of the problem that no “church” can fulfill your needs. Only Jesus Christ can do that. No preacher is going to heal my heart. Only Jesus Christ can be the living water from the well that will fill my starving soul. Looking to others to do the personalized work of Christ in my life will only leave me unsatisfied.